Wednesday, March 5
hello, wonderful ladies. i'm posting because i'm looking for a little propping up. those of you who read my site know it's a rough time. a very rough time. i've held back most details because i don't even know where to start, or how to express it all in a way that doesn't sound pathetic or insane. but, i'm thinking that, if i can't post it here with you, then where could i possibly post it?
mark and i would have been together six years in may. i love him. but, if i put everything down on paper, i couldn't tell you why. sometimes feelings don't abide by the pro/con list, i guess.
over the course of our relationship, there have been numerous infidelities. cybersex. phone sex. prostitutes. plain-old-vanilla-run-of-the-mill other women. every time i caught him, or found evidence of his betrayal, he denied it. accused me of being crazy. unable to trust. said i was destroying our relationship with my suspicions and my anger.
and, so, i kept it in. mostly. every once in a while it would coming pouring out. eventually, i think i just shut down emotionally. i don't know myself anymore. i don't like the person i've become.
in november, mark told me he thought we should split. however, we continued living together, although in different rooms, and i thought we were sort of working on things. trying to make things better. and, i thought it was working.
a little over a week ago, i answered the phone at our apartment. it was a woman calling for mark. she was calling to give him the closing dates for his new house.
i didn't know he had bought a house.
he closes on the house on march 28th. when i gave him the message that evening, i confronted him about what this meant for our relationship.
"well, i think we should have a trial separation. i need some time to work on my own issues. i've told you time and time again that i'm an only child. i need my own space. i like things to be a certain way. living with you i'm not living the regimented life that i prefer to live."
only a week before, he had finally come clean about his infidelities. all of them. that was a loooong conversation. the night of the "trial separation" proposal, he told me that he was angry with me because i am "still" angry with him. "i told you the truth about everything, and you're still angry."
i'm stunned. i'm scared. i'm numb.
two days later, when i received word that my father had a stroke, mark didn't offer to come home with me. didn't offer to drive me to the airport. hasn't sent a card. or flowers. i phoned him last night to let him know how my father's surgery went. i also did something i don't normally do: i asked for help. i told him that i really need him to be in my life right now. that i need to have him to lean on. and that i need the stability of our home together. not that i want him to lie. or that i won't leave. but, please just don't make me leave right now. please, give me some time to get my feet on the ground. please.
his answer was, "i think that would be lying to you. and that wouldn't befair to do. so, i'm sorry, but no."
it's a hard thing to feel like you've given so much -- too much -- to someone and they've flipped a switch. that, to them, you're just an accquaintance. that those six years don't entitle you to any consideration. that you're alone.
there's so much more. none of it healthy. none of it good. i'm just broken right now. overwhelmed. sad. angry (yeah, i'm angry...sue me.).
mark just seems to be totally self-absorbed. he actually told me that "right now, things are more important to me than people." how did i not see this before? or, am i just painting him unfairly because i'm hurt?
i don't even have a point...just rambling typing, really.
damn.
jjulia
Monday, March 3
Happy Monday Ladies!!
Quick favor... if I don't have you linked, can you let me know? I want to be sure I have you all as you would like to appear.
*kisses*
